the same taste

Listening party for Clarice Jensen’s

In holiday clothing, out of the great darkness

Near-silent on the couch

You sniffled a bit

Halfway through,

You said, through tears, that this album tasted like powdered sugar snow.

I said, “oh”,

Knowing that you’ve told me multiple times that that’s what my voice, my laugh taste like to you, and it’s part of what drew you to me in the first place

And then you said, “…and asphalt at night.”

And I wept with you,

Quietly, 

Apart from you,

For the rest of the album.

It’s a beautiful record.

field notes on some closure

12:52am

This is what you have to do.

I feel slightly better. It still sucks.

/////

9:25am

People don’t have to destroy each other

Sometimes, when you think you have the best guided heart,

It’s very hard not to

/////

5:52pm

Meaning returns on the downbeat,

on resentment?

I don’t think that we’d resent each other if we stayed together. I think we’d resent each other if we really did break it off for good right now without trying harder to save us.

field notes from the worst day of my life

11:12am

I didn't want this.

I never wanted this.

I relied too much on a supposedly guaranteed future together that I didn't plan for anything else.

/////

12:08pm

I need to stay alive for Clifford.

If anything, I need to give him a good life.

/////

1:19pm

All the meaning has left.

The meaning in everything has left everything.

/////

10:50pm

It was you and me

In this life and the next

And the next

And the next

And the next

You said in your vision two years ago

That you'd seen to the end of time? I think?

And that it was me, it was always me

you keep saying (to the tune of Wolves Where I'm Going)

You love me very much,

Very deeply,

But do you write songs about me?

For me?

It's hard to tell

Because you talk about you and another person smoking

And I know you know that I kinda used to smoke, but not really

I'm enough to move you

Off the couch, and out of your chair,

And sometimes into bed

But am I enough to move you

To write me into chords and picking,

And open mic hauntings?

Because I would haunt you, too

If I die first, you know I would haunt you

fear

i never wanna be the one that loves them less than they love me

at least if they break my heart i'll be in the right

make no mistake

if you drifted apart

i would go to the ends of this world to find you

strange, i know

I know that you can't cast light without also casting shadow,

But the point still stands that I see that light in you--

I see that radiance, that life,

And I see the shadows, the draw towards death,

And yet I am here. I cannot help it, I will not resist.

I am here beside you, walking with you

Behind so I can catch you

Leading you when you need guidance through darkness too strong even for you to see through.

You mean a good chunk of the world to me and if you go,

a good chunk of my world goes with you.

You are important to me.

You are important to the world.

You are important to yourself.

Stay.

tenderness

I would elope with this beauty in a heartbeat

Fly ‘em up to the moon and slip into its crescent as if under a blanket,

Content to lie there, bodies in arms and temperature-perfect,

Resting in peak, blushéd joy for the rest of our lives.

Instead I hold their face in my hands and kiss it softly, all over,

Content enough knowing that, barring any apocalyptic reason to jump the broom before sharing a home, 

I get to savor this time.

This time is all ours.

way i go

We were walking so long I forgot

Where we were going

Found a place we did not recognize, and I

I'm alright not knowing

Hallucinating with the morning light

Cover me in fantasy

Getting swept up in a storyline, and I'll

Let it take me out to sea

Let it take me out to sea

Feel heavily

No gravity

You're the way I go

Unconsciously

We're winding like an open road

You're the way I go

So traverse the earth to come back home

Hear me without a sound

I am mystified that wanting you is how

My feet firmly felt the ground

My feet firmly felt the ground

Feel heavily

No gravity

You're the way I go

Unconsciously

We're winding like an open road

You're the way I go

A well that never dries

A fire that never dies

And through the stormy times

You will know me

And I will know you

Feel heavily

No gravity

You're the way I go

Unconsciously

We're winding like an open road

You're the way I go

a scene on the subject of death and dying

You: Y'know, I don't think my family's ever visited a grave for our own people. (pause) Once I'm in the dirt, I don't think they'll bother.

Me: If you go before me, you know I'm planting roses near your tree. (short pause) Unless you want a different flower.

You: Don't make a promise you can't keep, now.

Me: I never do. (longer pause) If you'll have me, you're stuck with me.

show-off

You know how some people, when they have feelings for someone, try to impress them all the time? Even sometimes in (what they think are) quiet ways?

Did you know that

some people still try to impress the person they like even after they know their feelings are reciprocated? Heck, even people they love? Who love them back???

And did you know that

by some people, I mean me?

I always want to impress you, because you always impress me.

go figure that i now sleep easier next to you than i do alone

Last night we were discussing how fast our relationship has moved. I was trying to think of an apt metaphor so I could feel it, and here's what I came up with:

Not the speed of a runaway train,

Not a roller coaster drop,

But rather

A plane in the sky!

Take-off, we could feel it,

But now we're in the air

and it feels like coasting, cruising.

We've got jet streams to ride

and we can see so much from up here.

Not to say we spend all our time in the clouds--

    it doesn't feel like it--

Just that we're not scared, it doesn't feel scary to me.

It feels right.

It feels as though we'd be able to land safely if we felt out of control.

We're communicating on radio.

And, to top it off,

we can eat on this ride,

    and the food is actually good.

circle

I didn't walk away the night after we met wanting you because I thought you'd be a good project,

    "I can fix them, I can heal them" etc. bullshit.

I just recognized that my heart met yours,

    side-by-side on parallel roads to some sort of recovery.

Different roads, different clothes, different bodies,

    but we matched.

Our voices go back and forth

    between matching melody 

    and clear harmony,

weaving currents through a jetstream.

I will come back around to you every time.

Every time.

looking forward

I want to welcome you back

    with pine needles

    cinnamon and turmeric and ginger

    sugar and warmth

    blood from biting my lip

    open arms

    thumbs on your cheekbones

    jaw cradled in my hands

I want to kiss you and taste all the cigarettes you smoked to catch a breath

    take it and give you the sweetness 

    and sound of the rain on the roof in return

Take the comfort I feel when you hold me

The safety I hold so close to my chest

when you're away