i need to keep writing.

I want to start a substack/blog where I write about music. I want to write about music sort of in the way a reviewer writes about music, but also not in the way a reviewer or music journalist writes about music.

I'm not sure how to write like a music journalist. Music journalists and reviewers all seem to have experience playing several instruments, or audio tech degrees, or work for a record label, or know music theory, at least. I played violin for the better part of 8 years, from 4th to 12th grade, and I don't think I actually learned what music theory was--I just learned how to play by ear and then how to read sheet music, and after all that, I stopped. After that, I just became a music savant, of sorts.

I've always felt like an explorer, and a student, of music. I've discovered my favorite bands and albums by way of my friend Karma shunting a whole copy of her music library onto my 2007 white plastic MacBook, by way of hooking up with my first guy-who-was-a-big-Radiohead-fan my junior year of college, by befriending other fans of The National and paying attention to the other music they posted about on Facebook or Instagram, and eventually I learned to directly ask people I was interested in knowing (in any capacity) what they liked to listen to. Even in my days as a born-again Christian youth who didn't listen to bands not associated with the church in some way, I still found a way to follow the CD-shaped breadcrumbs down several subgenre paths of contemporary Christian rock before I discovered hardcore straightedge rock as a curious teen.

I guess where I'm going with this is: I don't know if anyone wants to read stuff about albums and artists and songs written by someone who will have to internet-search references mentioned in Pitchfork or Stereogum reviews just to understand them but I talk aobut music all the fucking livelong day to the people in my non-screen life, and I have an iTunes-turned-Apple Music library teeming with playlists, so I'm gonna try to write about it anyway.

I'm especially inspired by Christopher Hooton and David Rapson's work on the first (hopefully not only??) season of the podcast "Coffee & Flowers", not just because it's a deep-dive into my favorite album of all time (Boxer) by my favorite band of all time (The National), but because right off the bat, they said they weren't necessarily going to try to analyze each song on the album as fact, but talk through how it made them feel. It's expertly spliced with segments of interviews with Matt Berninger, Aaron Dessner, Carin Besser, and Peter Katis; it's a love letter to why people write and talk about the music they love, and a love letter to the fans that connect with and are inspired by music as well.

So while I don't have Carin or Matt to text to set up a phone call, or an invitation to visit Long Pond Studio (I wish!), I am going to be taking a leaf out of Chris and David's book and focus on what I know and what I feel, and how I express that, when I hear something I like.

I dunno, man, I've just gotta keep writing. It's 40 minutes past when I told the cat we would go to bed and I'm still writing.

If I can still hear it in my head, I am singing it out loud, as many times over until it leaves my system. This is that but I'm writing about it instead, I guess.

wish for some navy blue

It’s one of those windy nights that belongs to a place with more open skies

Where there’s a trick of a hint of warmth

Where each gust makes you wonder why you even bothered with your hair today

Where it feels like the earth is turning faster than it should and your town seems to be the axis point

Where you wanna wander

Where it steals your breath if you walk right into it

show-off

You know how some people, when they have feelings for someone, try to impress them all the time? Even sometimes in (what they think are) quiet ways?

Did you know that

some people still try to impress the person they like even after they know their feelings are reciprocated? Heck, even people they love? Who love them back???

And did you know that

by some people, I mean me?

I always want to impress you, because you always impress me.

go figure that i now sleep easier next to you than i do alone

Last night we were discussing how fast our relationship has moved. I was trying to think of an apt metaphor so I could feel it, and here's what I came up with:

Not the speed of a runaway train,

Not a roller coaster drop,

But rather

A plane in the sky!

Take-off, we could feel it,

But now we're in the air

and it feels like coasting, cruising.

We've got jet streams to ride

and we can see so much from up here.

Not to say we spend all our time in the clouds--

    it doesn't feel like it--

Just that we're not scared, it doesn't feel scary to me.

It feels right.

It feels as though we'd be able to land safely if we felt out of control.

We're communicating on radio.

And, to top it off,

we can eat on this ride,

    and the food is actually good.

rule of cool

I don't think you find me all that interesting.

I didn't punk out 'til I was thirty,

And you've somehow lived much more life than me.

You're bold in a way that I'm learning to bottle and save.

You're not my idol, not on a pedestal--

I learned to even up the hard way,

to put myself eye level with everything you've figured out.

I'm trying so hard to not make the same mistake I made the last time the electricity hit me in the neck bolts;

to not brush you with soft edges where there are none,

to take in all the eyes, rotating rings, the fire, the horns, the great and terrible wings.

"B~E  N~O~T  A~F~R~A~I~D--!"

"CHRIST, GABRIEL, I am TRYING"

I find you to be one of the coolest people I now know,

but I will not try to be some backstage fuck, like I was to the last admiration I got too close to, the lights in my eyes.

I will not canonize you.

...if that brings you any comfort.