we played the flute and you did not dance, we sang dirges and you did not mourn

for some reason, i can't help wondering what exactly what was going through your head as you had those discussions with me about him. i know you were honest for the most part, but the only thing you left out was this factor. this factor that renders the entire equation invalid, or just completely irrational, like naming the digits of π out to the hundreth one.

i can't help thinking that your advice and your intentions were not completely altruistic, because nothing ever is. ever.
i will think of this as a small bit of manipulation because it is a defense; yes it is a defense, and i don't care if the barbed wire hurts you; you will be stronger. i need a defense right now, and an especially strong one at that at this point in my life: everything is chaotic and rushing towards me, carrying me to a pentultimate disaster, and i have to break some things, otherwise the shrapnel will lodge itself deep into my skin and injure me just as badly as the bomb that explodes will hurt the intended targets.

i feel mean and cruel and heartless, and i shouldn't. i need to defend myself. i need to move on; hearts will be broken. mine might be, again, and i know it's what you were afraid of, but rest assured that i know his nature; i will handle it however i choose to.

this is one of those times when i wish honesty weren't the best policy. but there's no other alternative.

-d