wish for some navy blue

It’s one of those windy nights that belongs to a place with more open skies

Where there’s a trick of a hint of warmth

Where each gust makes you wonder why you even bothered with your hair today

Where it feels like the earth is turning faster than it should and your town seems to be the axis point

Where you wanna wander

Where it steals your breath if you walk right into it

i saw the moon

Warming up on the couch—

Listening to stories of metal crows on the television—

I bent my neck backwards at what should be an impossible angle to talk to my cat,

And caught a glimpse of the waxing gibbous moon in an apparent starless sky through the window.

I felt like, for the first time, I saw the edges of its craters, captive in a thick slice of cheese,

Framed in the blackness of the void of space, like in those photos when craft are within spitting difference of the thing!

For the first time, I saw, for what it was,

Sunlight,

Reflected off the surface of the scarred porcelain face of Diana!

A gift of beaming, in the night, from the day—

Cold.

An ice cube in a flat drink.

I bent my neck backwards and thanked the light pollution 

For a sip of my favorite kind of illumination.

the same taste

Listening party for Clarice Jensen’s

In holiday clothing, out of the great darkness

Near-silent on the couch

You sniffled a bit

Halfway through,

You said, through tears, that this album tasted like powdered sugar snow.

I said, “oh”,

Knowing that you’ve told me multiple times that that’s what my voice, my laugh taste like to you, and it’s part of what drew you to me in the first place

And then you said, “…and asphalt at night.”

And I wept with you,

Quietly, 

Apart from you,

For the rest of the album.

It’s a beautiful record.

field notes on some closure

12:52am

This is what you have to do.

I feel slightly better. It still sucks.

/////

9:25am

People don’t have to destroy each other

Sometimes, when you think you have the best guided heart,

It’s very hard not to

/////

5:52pm

Meaning returns on the downbeat,

on resentment?

I don’t think that we’d resent each other if we stayed together. I think we’d resent each other if we really did break it off for good right now without trying harder to save us.

field notes from the worst day of my life

11:12am

I didn't want this.

I never wanted this.

I relied too much on a supposedly guaranteed future together that I didn't plan for anything else.

/////

12:08pm

I need to stay alive for Clifford.

If anything, I need to give him a good life.

/////

1:19pm

All the meaning has left.

The meaning in everything has left everything.

/////

10:50pm

It was you and me

In this life and the next

And the next

And the next

And the next

You said in your vision two years ago

That you'd seen to the end of time? I think?

And that it was me, it was always me

Wed 9/17 3:36pm

apparently no one can tell me that something sad is even on the table, because my mind(? my body?) will register is as The Most Likely Possibility begin grieving before i'm ready. i'm listening to "Title & Registration" by Death Cab and i wanna tell someone what's going on and that uh-oh i'm listening to this stuff that's not good and i realize: that person would be you. none of my friends, even my closest, know that we're in trouble.

where did i mess up? when i was at my deepest low in years, this summer, that overlapped with yours? i'm sorry you're not able to fight to drag me up in the way that i'm TRYING to help you.

what kind of rain is falling?

i never

end up being someone's first choice,

or their last

you keep saying (to the tune of Wolves Where I'm Going)

You love me very much,

Very deeply,

But do you write songs about me?

For me?

It's hard to tell

Because you talk about you and another person smoking

And I know you know that I kinda used to smoke, but not really

I'm enough to move you

Off the couch, and out of your chair,

And sometimes into bed

But am I enough to move you

To write me into chords and picking,

And open mic hauntings?

Because I would haunt you, too

If I die first, you know I would haunt you

sometimes,

it feels like it would feel good--amazing--to just snap.

bubble waffle

Do I like them more because of the texture

The little pops I can sink my teeth into instead of squares

And finding they're less hollow

And still filled with sweet dough
Sink my teeth into squares

Sink my teeth into squares

Why does it get harder and harder to stop myself the older and older I get

What have I let go
What have I abandoned

What have I killed

What have I let

Why doesn't this unlock every time I listen to him ramble like the Columbia without a dam in sight

Like nothing as dark and rich as his voice has turned on that light before

What is it about the sun that kills my cave creature interior

Why can't I walk this way easier

Why do I always feel inferior to you

I've always felt that way but before I could buoy myself knowing that despite that fact you still wanted me

You, wanted ME

Do you still want me? Still need me?

I'm nipping at the edges of what I know

I can't plan a wedding

I can't curb a craving

I need sugar

I need sleep

I need to go lift more weights

Lift more weight upon my shoulders

Oh what a soft cross to bear

I wish I could wrap you up in my giant fallen angel wings, I know they're there

Describe them for me

Describe the softness of my thighs for me

Describe my legs, my somewhat cut calves, my shoulders,

Describe my neck for me

Describe my jawline, what it was and what it is

Oh take me up on it, I'll fill in my neck below it with tattoos just to make sure it's still there

going home from work early on the springiest day of the year so far

blind the way it sounded

heard the way i found it

sorry i haven't been writing a lot lately,

i've been living, but also deep in debt, but also watching a lot of Trek.

war cry

No sympathy for transphobes

No pride in genocide

Arm the working classes

Keep your eyes open wide

on not getting into the MLIS

quoting "Billboard Heart by Deep Sea Diver:

I'm welcoming the future / by letting go of it 

 

misheard lyrics

Christ-like nightshade

about me

i am dedicated to memory

i am dedicated to the preservation of memory

in service of community bonding

in service of wonder and awe

in service of curiosity

in service of informing our path to the future

i am dedicated to remembering

i am dedicated to memory

near s court st

four blue houses in a row

all the color of the sea unfolding

sleep apnea

y'know

i really hate when other people are right about,

or think they're right before i'm aware of something wrong about,

MY body.

it makes me feel like my astral self left and dissolved somewhere.

like a ghost without anchor.

i have no AGENCY. ANYWHERE. existing is hard enough.

maybe i should fix the problem by walking into traffic, there's always that old chestnut.

unhome

for a brief moment in the timeline of my life,

i got to feel at home in my body.

not even a full year.

will i ever get that back? i owe $5,000 because i wanted to remodel this house, and for what? waste of an investment.

and how am i supposed to be a home for you, now? and how am i supposed to be a home for a family?

i'm a lonely, abandoned, rotting church. i'm nobody's home. i feel like the rats that use it for shelter and nothing else.